So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
