Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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