I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
