I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
