we made out on top of his cat.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
