Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
