We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
