You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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