i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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