Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
