note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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