Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
