I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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