some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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