I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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