Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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