You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
