I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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