I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
