Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
