If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize