I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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