If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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