I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
this just has baby written all over it
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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