I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
