My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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