I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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