Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
