I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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