i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
