You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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