After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
