Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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