That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
