Plan B is the new Plan A
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
