i permit you to call me
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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