Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I have fence marks all over my body
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
