Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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