he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I fill condoms, not promises.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
