You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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