I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We're too hungover to prance.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
