It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
