I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
