I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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