she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
