we're chasing vodka with high fives
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
