I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
