what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
