The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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