I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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