This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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