Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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