On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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