happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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