I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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