Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
