There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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