i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
