she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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