pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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