I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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