Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
