If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
