he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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