Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
His nipple licking is glorious
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