went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
