omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
