I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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