The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
